This is an actual essay written by a college applicant.
The author attended NYU: ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR
COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls
and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike
trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I
cook Thirty-Minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in
love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I
once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject
of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free
of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and
a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration team. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements
have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who has seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all
my bills are paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made
extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri
Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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